The ultimate guide to you vs any NFL mascot – cage match style, who’s going to win? Let’s find out!
This week I’m doing something a bit different. Instead of giving you an update on new sports card releases or telling you an interesting story about an athlete, I’m going to give you all what you really want…
A super well researched, scientifically accurate and indisputable tier list of how well the average person would do in a fight against every NFL team’s mascot! This list is completely accurate and was composed after months of research and was absolutely not done off the top of my head for a video that is also probably linked in this article.
The tiers are as follows:
- EZ WIN: If a mascot appears in this tier, guess what? You win the fight. You might have to put in a little effort but there is no realistic scenario in which you lose this fight.
- Most Likely Win: Mascots in this tier have a small chance of getting that lucky shot in and winning the fight, but generally speaking you’ll still win.
- Fair Fight: This means you’ve got a 50/50 shot of beating these mascots. Might just be a toss of the coin, might be a case of “x strategy wins but y strategy gives you an L.” Pay attention, cause the lessons you learn in this tier could save your life.
- Probably Gonna Lose: I think you all understand what’s happening here. These are the mascots that you could get lucky and be the david to their goliath… But you’re probably gonna lose.
- YOU GONNA DIE: Fighting these mascots means your death is certain. There is nothing that can save you. Roger Goodell will laugh as he spits on your grave.
(also, packers, chargers, jets, and giants how do you not have official mascots and the BROWNS have TWO?! THE BROWNS?! Y’all should be ashamed)
EZ WIN TIER:
Big Red is just a cardinal. A small bird with hollow bones and barely any talons. This is the weakest of the mascots. Enjoy your easy dubs while you can.
Your name is a literary reference which is great because you fight like a bookworm. Another bird with hollow bones, another easy win.
If you were fighting in the ocean this would be the most dangerous of all mascots… But you’re up here on land, and this dolphin might have a few good wiggles in him before he’s out for the count.
It’s a raccoon. The only way you lose is if you don’t get a rabies shot after the fight. Will you get scratched? Sure. But in a fight to the death, you’re walking out of the ring with a nice raccoon skin hat.
Will he get some claws in you? Sure. Might even really hurt. But one good hit, or if you are able to get a hold of him, and this falcon is finished.
MOST LIKELY WIN TIER:
Again, this is a bird, so it's not too tough (those hollow bones are not built for the octagon). But this bird is a sea hawk… And seahawks are not real birds! As far as I’m concerned, birds of myth at LEAST need to be 1 tier over ez win. After all, we have no clue what a real seahawk is capable of. You’ll probably win this fight but keep your head on a swivel.
The first of 2 browns mascots on the list. Most dogs would probably be at least a tier higher, but this dog has barely anything to do with browns. The Browns’ mascot should just be a brown helmet and this dog knows it. Without that fighting spirit this dog is a low tier combatant.
I can ALREADY hear the pats fans typing their comments about this one. Listen. Pat is a person who was fighting in the revolutionary war. 250 years ago. You know what people were like 250 years ago? They were all 5’3'' and eating a healthy diet of, like, potatoes and beer. From a time where a winning war strategy was “hey what if we didn't all just line up and wait our turn to get shot,” I’m not convinced ole patty here will put up a fight.
The highest bird on this list. Swoop is a bald eagle and those things can get BIG! You’ll still likely win but I think the bald eagle has the best chance in this tier to get a lucky W.
FAIR FIGHT TIER:
There’s another horse on this list which is nearly top tier. And horses are very scary… But look at this horse. He doesn’t look healthy. He doesn’t have any fight in him. He’s got one foot in the ring and another in the glue factory. But still, he’s a horse and horses are big animals. Good luck.
Ok, the browns have 2 mascots. A dog and an elf. What is wrong with this team? Brownie the elf lore actually predates the team itself, and brownie the elf would apparently do chores for you if you left it treats! I’d normally put a tiny elf in a lower tier, but again… A mythical creature could have powers we don’t fully comprehend.
He’s just a guy. A miner at that. Everyone knows there’s 2 types of old timey miners… Dudes who are just completely jacked, or old pot belly dudes who whistle when they say their “s”s. I’d put him down with Pat the Patriot but a miner is probably more muscly than just an average revolutionary soldier. Still just a regular human dude, so fair fight.
(U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Ramon A. Adelan)
“Michael!” I hear you say, “How can a LION only be one step up from a regular dude. It’s a LION!” And yes, dear reader, that may be true. But this isn’t any lion. This is a lion that is spiritually connected to the Detroit Lions football team. This is a predator who hasn’t known victory in decades. This is the lion that got left behind when the zoo went out of business. Sickly and frail, you stand at least a 50/50 shot at defeating it.
God gives his rootenest tasks to hit tootenest cowboys… And even the tootenest cowboys can’t win a playoff game. Also, he’s just a cowboy. Another regular human. Flip a coin.
This mascot is a horror show. A massive head with limbs growing out of it and a spiked football helmet. This fight can go 2 ways:
- He rushes you, sticks ya with his helmet spikes, and you die.
- He rushes you, you step sideways and push him over.
One the rusher can no longer rush, you win. If he falls down he’s just rollin around now, no chance he gets up. You win.
PROBABLY GONNA LOSE TIER:
Gumbo is a big ole dog. What else is there to say? If I’m a betting man I'd put money on a big dog over MYSELF any day.
LATE EDIT: I’ve just been informed that the saints ALSO have 2 mascots?! Their second official mascot is “Sir Saint,” a man with a massive tumor for a chin. Sir saint is definitely in the “you’ll probably win” tier. He’s got a serious health condition that also makes him incredibly top heavy? Just stay out of the fight, Sir Saint. Let Gumbo protect you.
Does this mascot look like he flopped his audition to be in the chuck e cheese band? Yes. Yes he does. But he’s still a wolf. Wolves are just big dogs who are more used to hunting for food. Outlook not so good.
This man is an absolute unit. He could just as easily be a mascot for Gold’s Gym, walking around with a steel beam like it’s nothing. And he’s specifically a 50’s era steelworker. Get this man to the pub and he’d probably be down to fight anyone.
He’s a pirate. A PIRATE! A pirate who’s captain is Tom Brady, so not only is he already a historic murderer and pillager, we also know he’ll cheat any way he can to win. Thank god those “pump up shoes” fell out of style in the 90’s cause you know that pirates would deflate yours before the fight.
A Viking is just a pirate with blond hair and horns on his hat. And better beard maintenance. It’s just a person so you have a chance but… Come on… It’s a damn viking!
Did you know that rams can reach 300 pounds? Did you also know they have MASSIVE HORNS COMING OUT OF THEIR HEADS? There's a CHANCE you can grip the horns and, i dunno, twist him down or something? But yeah you're pretty much donezo.
It’s a horse. Have you ever seen a horse in real life? They're HUGE! And unlike Blue of the colts, Miles is in peak physical condition. If you didn't pack any sugar cubes you’re in for a rough fight.
YOU GONNA DIE TIER:
It’s a jaguar. An honesty to god top tier predator. Just as dangerous as…
Both Sir Purr (great name btw) and Jaxson De Ville are predatory jungle cats. You WILL LOSE to them. Panthers get a slight advantage because the black fur is a little more intimidating.
This thing’s a bull, and you don’t get a sword and red cape. You get your own 2 fists. I’m sorry, but if this bull wants you dead, you dead.
I wish I could take away a point for having their name be based on an SNL sketch (I don't know if that's actually true but to me, it is) but that doesn’t change the fact that this mascot is literally just a bear. You v Bear in the ring? How many rounds are you gonna make it? 2? Please...
First let me be clear. Who Dey is a terrible name. But this thing is a FULL ON TIGER! Tigers are crazy, man. There is only ONE creature on this list who could beat a tiger…
You think i’m kidding here? Do you know how big a buffalo gets? Seriously, do you EVEN UNDERSTAND?! A male grizzly bear weighs on average 600 pounds, and we all sort of understand how big a bear is. They are big. A buffalo can weigh anywhere from 1,200 to 2,200 pounds! AT ITS SMALLEST A BUFFALO IS TWICE THE SIZE OF A BEAR! A buffalo could EASILY be 4x the size of a bear.
These things are literal land tanks. There physically isn't anything you could do to it. It would be like trying to stop an armored truck from running you over by punching it on the front bumper.
There you have it! The scientifically accurate list of NFL mascots based on fighting ability from worst to first!